when did your heart go missing?

... is the song that's playing in my head. by rooney. a new wave-like song i just bummed off someone's iPod.

hmmm. it's also a good question i can ask a number of people.

people talk about being jaded as once advances in age, and i've always assumed it to be a consequence of some huge lifechanging experience that shatters one's idealism. after some reflection, i conclude that being jaded is an accumulation of everyday things, small struggles that wear you down.

t.s. eliot's "the love song of j. alfred prufrock" comes to mind. add to that dostoevsky's "notes from the underground" and you're ready to gas yourself in the oven. okay, now that was a sad reference to the news that sylvia plath's son ended his life sometime last week.

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if there's anything i've observed acutely these days, it's recognizing youth as something outside of myself. it's not that i feel like i'm actually 27, but i can certainly tell and feel the difference between being young and being young - young, if that makes any sense. i look at a bunch of college kids and i envy them for being skinny, for having relatively enough time left to make mistakes, gain weight, fall in love, make the right decisions. at the same time, i am acutely aware of things they can do at this point in their lives - things i wasn't or couldn't bring myself to do when i was in a similar place and time.

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love makes one feel young.

enjoyed a totally unexpected rainshower bath earlier today with jat at the arcade. we had lunch at LKB (lutong kapitbahay), and were on our way to the arcade when it started to rain. really hard. so we got soaked in the process, and when the rain cleared up a bit, bought shirts from maroons in SC. the horribly erratic weather shifted back to humid, and we watched US marshalls on his blackbook. had dinner at lola lita's, stopped at sunken garden. all in all a nice, relaxing day.

i can be a 5 year old around jat and we laugh over the silliest things and it's all good.

i believe that if you know and love yourself enough, you can love as much and as fully as you can without losing yourself - or whatever similar phrase you like - in the process. i'd been stupid plenty of times before, but to my credit, i've been self-sufficient too. you can't be truly happy if you don't know how to be happy alone. you have to live with yourself first, know who you are and what you want - or if you don't know what you want, know that you don't know or at least admit it to yourself.

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do i sound self-righteous already? i hope not. i have no time for people who are, though. lol.

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so, when did your heart go missing?